


come with the starry beams, my love

by cashtonasfuck



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Forbidden Romance, M/M, Pen Pals, Regency forbidden romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:27:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25399144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cashtonasfuck/pseuds/cashtonasfuck
Summary: Michael and Ashton have known each other since they were children. Everything is about to change for them in ways neither of them could have expected.
Relationships: Michael Clifford/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	come with the starry beams, my love

_ My darling, _

_ The last few days have been endless - whenever you leave it feels as though you take all of the sunshine with you.  _

_ If you can sneak away, I will meet you under the Oak just after sundown.  _

_ Yours, always. _

The note had been tucked into the lining of Michael’s riding coat. To anyone else, it would have been impossible to find - but Michael always knew where to look. He smiled softly as he ran his thumb over the cream coloured paper, gaze drifting towards the stables. It had been three days since they had seen each other. Not that they were supposed to see each other as frequently as they did. That had been made clear to them both when they were still children - it had left Michael terrified of his father for almost eight months. 

Michael found the first note not long after his sixteenth birthday. It had been shoved into a crack in the wall in the rose garden, the white paper standing out against the grey stonework. There had never been any doubt in Michael’s mind that it had been for him. He’d eased it out of the gap and unfolded it eagerly, the scrawl on the paper confirming what he’d hoped. They’d met under the Oak for the first time that night. Michael had been terrified for days afterwards that they’d be discovered - but as time went on he’d grown to relish in the fear of sneaking out. It was the only time he truly felt alive. 

**–**

The sun was just beginning to set as Michael sprinted across the grounds, a giddy feeling overtaking his senses. The sky was streaked with pink and gold, casting a glow across the well kept lawns. The September air felt cool against his skin as he ran, a sure sign that Autumn was on her way. As Michael neared the bend in the river he slowed to a jog - the ground here was always changing - they had both fallen at one time or another, Michael having fallen  _ into _ the river on one particular occasion. He smiled softly to himself as he thought about that particular night and the events that had transpired afterwards. Michael glanced over his left shoulder - the house was almost out of sight - before checking the ground in front of him and breaking into a sprint once more. The chances of anyone seeing him were slim, but Michael didn’t want to take any chances. He knew that he didn’t have to run - he was to inherit the house and grounds one day, he could go anywhere he pleased - but the thrill he gained from sprinting towards his destination was unmatched. Michael skidded to a halt as he reached the grey stone wall that marked the border between the gardens and the forest beyond. He leaned against the low wall for a moment to catch his breath, heart thundering in his ears. Once his breathing had slowed somewhat, Michael clambered over the wall. 

**–**

“My love?” Michael kept his voice low as he approached the tree, “Are you here?”

The branches just above him rustled, an acorn falling and hitting him squarely on the top of the head. Michael hissed and rubbed his hand over the spot, quiet laughter coming from within the boughs of the tree. Michael rolled his eyes fondly before reaching up and placing his hands around two of the sturdier branches, pulling himself into the thick foliage. 

“You really need to stop dropping acorns on my head, you know.” 

A snort met Michael’s words as he situated himself on a branch, hazel eyes meeting his green ones as he looked up. 

“Where is the fun in that, my darling?” 

Michael scoffed at the comment, smiling slightly as he leaned forwards and closed the gap between them. Warmth flooded through him as their lips met, a hand coming up to cup his face. 

**–**

This was one of Michael’s favourite things in existence. No one could touch what they had when they were here - the Oak was their safe haven in a world that wanted to tear them apart. Admittedly it was sometimes hard having to keep their relationship a secret - all Michael wanted to do was announce it to the world - but they both knew that if anyone found out they would never see each other again. Neither of them wanted to risk that. Michael knew that they were soulmates - not that he’d believed in those until the night of the first note. As he’d laid in bed that night, he knew that everything in his life began and ended with Ashton. Michael had told him as much not long afterwards, admitting his deepest secret to the man he hoped would keep his heart safe.

**–**

Michael rested his forehead against Ashton’s as they broke apart, the older man threading their fingers together before pressing a kiss to the tip of Michael’s nose. Michael hummed contentedly at the gesture before speaking.

“The last three days have felt like a lifetime. I hate being away from you.”

“And I you, my love.” Ashton pressed a kiss to Michael’s cheek before continuing, “The estate feels empty when you’re not here - it is as though the life of the place leaves when you do. I am sure you’re some kind of warlock and you just do not know it.”

Michael chuckled quietly at Ashton’s words, sitting up to take in the other man’s appearance. Ashton’s cream coloured shirt was tucked loosely into his breeches and he’d rolled the sleeves up over his elbows. His coat was laying discarded over a branch behind him and Michael wondered faintly how the other man wasn’t cold. Ashton seemed to run warmer than anyone else Michael knew, Ashton’s explanation being that he worked outside all year round - his body had adapted to keep him warm. Michael wasn’t sure how accurate that really was, but it did mean that he usually ended up tucked inside the other man’s jacket. Ashton pressing kisses to Michael’s knuckles broke him out of his revive, humming softly as warm lips met cold skin. He tugged Ashton towards him, setting the other man’s hands on his hips. Michael threaded his fingers into the curls at the base of Ashton’s neck, pulling him nearer until their lips met. 

**–**

**My love,**

**I cannot stop thinking about your lips on mine.** **Kissing you is all I have thought about since the moment we met** **all those years ago, and now I simply cannot go without it. Father is insisting upon holding another ball on Saturday evening. You know how much I hate them, but he cannot comprehend that perhaps I do not wish to marry. Of course, you and I both know that is not the case - if the circumstances were different I would have made you mine years ago.**

**Perhaps I can sneak out after midnight on Saturday? You know mother likes to retire early, and father will probably be discussing business. I will meet you in our usual spot.**

**Eternally yours.**

**–**

_ My darling, _

_ Saturday will be too much of a risk. The stables will be over capacity and you know Thomas will sneak off at some point. I would love nothing more than to see you in your finery - but I will not be able to get away.  _

_ In regards to kissing you - I feel the same way. I always have done. You gave me your heart, but remember that you also have mine. In response to your marriage proposal - if that is what you would even call that - you should know that you would never have to ask. We are bound together eternally and nothing will ever change that.  _

_ Yours, always. _

**–**

**My love,**

**You are right about Saturday. It was foolish of me to think that we might be able to go undetected. There will be far too many people roaming the grounds and it is not safe. I will meet you on Sunday as the sun begins to set.**

**You have bewitched me, body and soul. Never forget.**

**Eternally yours.**

  
  


**–**

_ My darling, _

_ How could I ever forget? _

_ Until Sunday. _

_ Yours, always. _

**–**

Balls always felt like a blur to Michael. There was so much preparation for a single night and it made his parents particularly stressed. He tended to keep out of their way in the days leading up to a ball, and ordinarily his plan worked. This particular ball however was proving to be more of an event than Michael was used to. There seemed to be more preparation than usual - he’d seen great quantities of food being delivered to the kitchens yesterday, and flowers appeared in every spare space in the house. The marble columns in the ballroom shone, and the house was somehow more immaculate than usual. Even the servants seemed to be more stressed than usual - Michael had entered the library just after lunch yesterday to find two servants talking in hushed whispers. As soon as they saw him their eyes went wide and they scurried from the room. He’d thought that somewhat strange - but his parents' stress seemed to have rubbed off on all of the staff, so he thought nothing more of it.

Michael had walked through one of the entry rooms this morning, immediately catching the eye of his father - who abruptly abandoned his conversation with a servant to stop Michael in his tracks. His father had asked him to accompany him into his study, and of course Michael obliged. As he sat opposite his father and listened to his words, he rather wished he hadn’t. Michael knew that his parents were eager for him to marry, but never did he think that they would take it this far. 

**–**

**Meet me at the Oak tonight.**

**–**

Ashton read the note over again hoping that more words would appear on the page. Michael was never that short with him. In all the years that they’d known each other a note from Michael had never filled Ashton with so much dread. He chewed the inside of his lip as he read it over again. Michael’s hand was barely legible - it was clear that he’d written it in a rush. The note had been shoved into Ashton’s jacket pocket while he was mucking out the horses. How he’d missed Michael going past he wasn’t sure; Ashton was usually fairly good at being able to tell if Michael was in the general vicinity. He glanced up at the house and saw some of the other servants carrying armfuls of flowers out onto the driveway. Michael’s mother  _ never _ put flowers around the edges of the driveway. Alarm bells sounded in Ashton’s mind as he watched the flowers being arranged. Waiting until nightfall was going to be his end. 

**–**

Michael took his time on the walk down to the Oak. He replayed the conversation with his father over again in his mind as he walked, and every step that took him nearer to Ashton filled his insides with more and more nerves. The air had more of a chill than usual and he pulled his jacket tighter around himself. As Michael approached the wall he paused for a moment and looked back towards the house. No one could see him here, and no one had seen him leave - he could quite easily just slip away without anyone realising. He shook his head to clear the thought from his mind before crossing over the wall. 

**–**

From his treetop vantage point Ashton could see Michael ambling slowly towards the wall. Where had his carefree spirit gone? Ashton loved to secretly watch Michael sprint towards him, arms stretched wide with a grin to match. He watched the blonde pause by the wall and look back towards the house. Ashton could see that there was light coming from more rooms than usual, but he wasn’t entirely sure what Michael was looking for - he knew that you couldn’t see the house from here, so why was the other man looking back? Ashton watched him shake his head before he climbed over the wall. Slowly, Ashton climbed back down into the lower levels of the tree to wait for Michael. 

**–**

“I don’t understand.” Ashton’s voice was quiet in the evening air and he refused to meet Michael’s eyes. 

“Mother and Father have taken it upon themselves to organise a wedding,” Michael swallowed the lump in his throat before continuing, “that is what Saturday is for. It is to celebrate the union.”

Ashton chuckled darkly, looking up at Michael. 

“How can it be a celebration when it is forced?”

Michael shifted uncomfortably under Ashton’s gaze, glancing down at his hands. Ashton sucked in a breath as he studied the other man, his voice wavering as he spoke. 

“You’re going ahead with it, aren’t you?” 

Michael looked up at him incredulously. 

“You say that like I have a choice, Ashton.” The other man flinched at Michael’s words as he continued, “Do you not think I tried everything to prevent it from happening? You know how… explosive my father can be at times, and forgive me but I would rather avoid that event.”

Michael’s jaw clenched as he finished speaking, Ashton once again refusing to meet his eyes. The pair sat in silence for what felt like a lifetime before Ashton finally spoke, his voice barely a whisper. 

“What about.. what about us?” 

Ashton’s hazel eyes finally met Michael’s green, hurt painted clearly on his face. Michael steeled himself before replying to the other man’s question. 

“There cannot be an ‘us’ anymore.”

**–**

Michael had expected Ashton to be angry. He’d expected him to shout and scream, and demand to know why Michael was giving up on them. What he hadn’t expected was Ashton to suck in a breath and drop down out of the tree. Michael sat there in a daze as he watched the other man walk quickly away, looking back one more time before breaking into a sprint. Michael choked out a sob as he watched Ashton get further away from him, the bond between them stretching and stretching until Michael felt it snap. Waves of nausea washed over him as he realised what he’d done - what he’d said. 

He wasn’t sure how long he sat in the Oak, eyes fixed on the horizon willing Ashton to come back to him. At some point the tears had stopped falling and Michael became aware of the coolness of the night air. He shivered involuntarily, still refusing to look away from where Ashton had finally left his gaze. It was only when tiredness began to tug at his consciousness that Michael lowered himself out of the tree and began to walk slowly back towards the house. 

**–**

It was two days before Michael tried to track down Ashton. He knew that his words had hurt the other man, and he wanted to give him space. Michael ambled down towards the stables, stomach churning. He wasn’t sure how Ashton would take seeing him - Michael hadn’t seen him around at all whenever he’d been skulking around the grounds; this was something he’d found himself doing more and more as the wedding date approached. He pushed the thought of Saturday from his mind, smoothed down his jacket and strolled into the stables. It wasn’t uncommon for Michael to visit the stables - his horse was kept here after all - but very rarely did he visit without notifying a stablehand first. As Michael entered he spotted Thomas immediately. The man was well into his 50’s, having been on the estate for most of his life. Ashton used to joke that Thomas had come with the house when Michael’s family first purchased it - Michael was well aware that this couldn’t be the case. The house was in the hands of the third generation of the Clifford family - a legacy his father was clearly keen to continue. 

“Good Afternoon, Sir - forgive me, we were not expecting you. Can I help you with anything?” Thomas was looking at him quizzically, Michael suddenly floundering to find an excuse as to why he was standing in the middle of the stable block. 

“Good afternoon Thomas. I was, uh, I was looking for Ashton - he was supposed to be getting new shoes fitted to Shadow. I was coming to check on the progress.”

The older man frowned at Michael’s words, glancing over towards where another stable hand was clearly eavesdropping. 

“Pardon my manners Sir, but I wasn’t aware that your horse was in need of new shoes. I’ll get it seen too right away.”

“Thank you, but I’m sure Ashton has it all in hand - I simply wish to discuss it with him.” Michael’s patience with the man was wearing thin - he couldn’t understand why Thomas was being so evasive about Ashton. 

“Forgive me, but Ashton left your father’s employment yesterday morning.” Thomas frowned before he continued. “He came to tell me he was leaving after he’d spoken to your father’s steward - I tried to find out why but -“

“Thank you, Thomas.” Michael cut the older man off. “I was not made aware. Please ensure that Shadow is seen too.” 

Michael turned on his heel and walked briskly out of the stables, breaking into a sprint as soon as he was out of sight of the doors. He continued running until he reached the river, skidding to a halt. He gasped for air, his chest heaving. 

_ Ashton was gone.  _

Nausea reared up inside him, and Michael emptied the contents of his stomach out onto the grass. 

**–**

**Ashton.**

**I do not know where you’ve gone - I know why you left.**

**Forgive me. I never wanted this. If I could take back what I said to you, I would do so in a heartbeat.**

**I never wanted to hurt you.**

**I promised you my heart, and you promised to keep it safe. Perhaps all this time it should have been you who was worried.**

**I felt it.**

**When you walked away. It felt as though a rope was pulling and pulling and then snapped.**

**Did you feel it too?**

**Thomas told me that you had gone today. I had no idea. I never wanted you to leave - I did not expect you to leave. If I am being truthful, and I promised to always be, I do not know what I expected. You have been here for as far back as I can remember, and I suppose I just thought that you would always be here.**

**I understand now that it was foolish of me to think like that. How could I have expected you to stay, when I was the very reason you felt it necessary to leave?**

**I do not know if you will ever read this. I have decided to leave it at the Oak. I do not even know if you are still in this county. If you do find this letter, then please know:**

**You are my sun, my moon, and my stars.**

**I seemed to have forgotten that. My heart will always be yours.**

**I do not expect you to forgive me - I cannot undo what has been done, and I must go ahead with the marriage on Saturday. I need to protect my family and our legacy.**

**I hope you will eventually come to understand.**

**Eternally yours.**

**–**

**Ashton,**

**I often find myself wandering down by our tree these days. It is the only place I still feel your presence it seems.**

**My first letter was gone when I looked yesterday. I am trying not to get my hopes up. The wind could have dislodged it, or someone else could have taken it. I suppose I should be more careful in case the latter is true.**

**Though part of me wonders if I care anymore? It has taken you leaving to make me realise that I was far too caught up in what other people would think.**

**I love you. And I know that I always will.**

**Eternally yours.**

**P.S. I got married yesterday.**

**The whole affair was far too lavish, but mother seemed to enjoy herself. My bride is Elizabeth Merryweather, if you can believe it. I remember her from when we were young, though I cannot say we have spoken a word from the age of 6 or 7. She seems agreeable enough. From what I can gather she was also not pleased about the arrangement we find ourselves in. Her father was rather generous with the sum he promised to us if we married.**

**–**

**My love,**

**I hope you do not mind me calling you such. I thought it would perhaps conceal our identities once again.**

**My second letter has also gone from the tree. I hope that it is indeed you receiving them - though I wish you would give me some sort of sign to confirm my hope.**

**I hope you are well. Mother and father left the estate today. They have gone to London to stay with my Aunt and Uncle - I highly suspect the move will become permanent. So now it is just Elizabeth and I.**

**I think you would like her, you know. Her humour is much like your own. I enjoy being in her company - though we both agree our union will only be one of friendship. Neither of us have any desire to parent children; though if our parents enquire we have agreed to say that we are trying.**

**I am not sure what would become of the house if I do not have an heir to leave it to - I suppose a cousin will take it on.**

**I had once imagined you and I sitting in the library in our older years. This estate is full of hopes that I once had for us. You are the only person I see myself growing old with.**

**Eliza was reading a new collection of poetry to me after dinner last night. There is one in particular that made my thoughts drift to you, and I would like to share a part of it with you, if I may?**

**”Oh, come to me in dreams, my love!**

**I will not ask a dearer bliss;**

**Come with the starry beams, my love,**

**And press mine eyelids with thy kiss.”**

**This is only the first stanza, and I am unsure who the poet is, however I feel it perfectly expresses our current situation. I see you in my dreams nightly. Forgive me if I overstepped.**

**I hope you are safe. My heart has not stopped aching since that day we last saw each other. I am not sure that it ever will.**

**Eternally yours.**

**–**

**My love,**

**It has been almost two months since you left.**

**Every day I find myself thinking about you more and more. I think Eliza - I have started to call her that - knows that something is distracting me. I am rarely in the house at the moment. Even though the November air sends a chill through my bones, walking the grounds is the only way I seem to be able to collect my thoughts.**

**Mother and Father have not returned from London. Mother wrote last week to inform us that they had found a large house near The Strand and were moving into it at the end of the month. I was not surprised by the letter's arrival - I seem to recall telling you that I did not think they would return. It seems as though Father has decided that I should receive my inheritance early. We have invited our parents to dine with us at Christmas, however both have declined. I sense that they are trying to encourage children out of Eliza and I. You already know that neither of us consider children to be an option.**

**I find myself wondering where you are more and more frequently. My letters keep disappearing, however I am still trying not to keep my hopes up in case it is not you reading these words.**

**I know that I already asked you for a sign, and I have thus far received nothing. I am simply hoping that you are choosing to keep your distance - I understand this of course. The more I linger on the events of September, the more sorry I feel. You did not deserve my harshness. You have always kept my heart safe, as you promised.**

**It still belongs to you, you know.**

  
  


**Eternally yours.**

**–**

Michael meandered slowly down towards the Oak, pulling his coat tighter around himself and patting his pocket to double check he had Ashton’s letter. The chill in the November air was verging on unbearable - Michael was sure that snow would soon be on its way. He was unsure as to whether he’d be able to continue visiting the Oak when it snowed - if the snowfall was anything like the year previous it would be almost unreachable. Michael had walked this path so many times in the last two months he was sure he could do it with his eyes closed. He knew that Eliza was curious about his prolonged absences during the day - he just wasn’t sure how to explain to her  _ why _ he was out so often. 

_ I’m in love with my old stable hand and I’ve been writing him letters ever since he left two months ago. It broke his heart when I told him I was to be married.  _

Even saying it in his head sounded ludicrous. Michael was sure that she wouldn’t judge him for writing letters to Ashton if he explained that he was just a friend. But Michael knew that Ashton would always just be more than a friend to him. They had been through - and shared - so much. Ashton had his heart. Michael wasn’t certain that Eliza would understand; loving another man was not something that you were supposed to do.

Michael sighed as he climbed over the wall - the stones were starting to dislodge from his constant passage back and forth. The Oak stood not far in the distance, it’s branches barren. It’s leaves had seemed to start dropping the week that Ashton had left - Michael had since decided that the universe was playing a cruel trick on him. The more leaves that fell, the more lonely Michael felt. He of course knew that the transition into Winter caused the leaves to fall; the timing however, Michael had decided, was uncanny. Even from this distance Michael could see that his previous letter was gone. His heart always jumped a little when he saw that it was no longer there. What he did notice this time around was  _ something _ in the place where he’d left the letter. Michael quickened his pace, glancing around to check for any sign of Ashton. 

The  _ something _ Michael saw turned out to be a small box wrapped in a red cloth. He gingerly plucked it out of the tree, cradling it gently in his hands. On the top of the parcel was a small card, and Michael felt his heart beat louder in his chest. He pulled it free from where it was lodged in the cloth, turning it over. 

_ Consider this a sign. _

Michael sucked in a breath as he ran his fingers over the words on the paper. This was  _ Ashton’s _ hand. These were his words. 

Michael pocketed the card with shaking hands, sucking in a breath as he looked back at the small parcel. He slowly undid the knot on the top of the box and pulled the red silk free, wrapping it around his left hand. Michael eased the lid off the box slowly, holding his breath until he saw the contents. He let out a breathy laugh as he pulled out a singular acorn. Michael blinked away the tears that threatened to spill over as he turned the object over in his palm, his heart continuing to pound in his chest. 

_ Ashton had been getting his letters. He’d read them.  _

Michael clutched the acorn to his chest, his heart soaring. 

“Michael?”

Michael’s eyes grew wide and he spun around, hazel eyes meeting his green. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was part of a fanfic collab on tumblr! I loved writing this so I hope you enjoyed it! There is a part 2 on the way.


End file.
